I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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