Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
