so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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