We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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