I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
