is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
