I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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