I haven't been this sober since birth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
