I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
