I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
