I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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