paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
