More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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