Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
