you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
