I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
