i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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