she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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