I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
