I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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