so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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