there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
