shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
In other news, I just burned my penis
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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