Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
