You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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