mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
