If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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