It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
