The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
