Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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