I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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