Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
