I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
