Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
