At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
