so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
