I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
