Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize