My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
