I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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