wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize