I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I am one with the molecules
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
