I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
