our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
