My first STD was from a foam party
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
