yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
