Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
