Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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