I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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