You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
