I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
