I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
