could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
