Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
