This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
