Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
