I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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