Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
