I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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