i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
