You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
