I'm so fucking centered right now
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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