I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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