just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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