He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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