My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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