So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
