you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
