Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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