I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
