any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize