I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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