The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
