mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
