puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
